What Does the Bible REALLY Say About Divorce?
This past sunday we tackled another tough topic in our Tough Questions Series. We talked about what the Bible says about divorce. Does God allow divorce, and if he does, under what circumstances? The majority views on this issue in traditional church thinking would answer this question in one of two ways: (1) God never allows for divorce in the Bible under any circumstances, or (2) God allows for divorce in cases of adultery or when a believer is abandoned by an unbelieving spouse. If you were with us on Sunday you know by now that I disagree with both of those positions.
I believe that God's position on divorce is far more compassionate and practical than traditional church teaching allows for. My understanding of the issue is really framed by two passages of Scripture. One is Malachi 2:16 where God makes it clear that he hates divorce and the second is Matthew 19:8 where Jesus states that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. These passages (among others) help me understand two things about this issue. First, that God clearly desires that marriage last a lifetime and that we do all we can to remain married and honor our marriage vows. But secondly, they also help me understand that God cares deeply about the victim in a marriage gone bad. I believe that Jesus' comment in Matthew 19:8 does not mean God allows divorce because people are stubborn and will do it even he he disallowed it. That doesn't make sense to me as the Bible gives us no examples of God compromising on his standards because we refuse to live up to them. That would be like saying God will allow us to participate in certain sins because we're going to do them anyway so why not just accept it and move on. I think a better understanding of what Jesus is saying here that is more faithful to our understanding of the nature and character of God is that God allows for divorce, even though he does not like it, because he knows that certain individuals in marriages will be so hard hearted and cruel to their spouses that they will never change. And so out of compassion for the hurt, abused, neglected, abandoned spouse or even family God will (under certain circumstances) allow divorce.
So that of course leads to the question, "Under what circumstances?" Well, I suggest you get the message from Sunday, May 10th entitled "What the Bible says about Divorce," to hear it in completion - but here is the short version. First, I want to strongly emphasize that the law of love and grace and forgiveness should always prevail whenever possible. God's preference is that even when there is a failure on one's part in a marriage both parties should try to work it out. Divorce should only be a last option!
Given that though I do believe that according to the Bible legitimate causes for ending a marriage included:
(1) Death - I think this is pretty obvious.
(2) Sexual Immorality (including adultery - See Matthew 19)
In Matthew 19 Jesus wasn't giving an extended teaching on divorce. He was actually responding to a very specific question about something called "any cause" divorce based on Deut. 24:1. Jesus was not saying that sexual immorality is the only legitimate cause for divorce. He was saying that Deut. 24:1 only addressed divorce in cases of sexual immorality. That doesn't mean the Bible doesn't allow it for other reasons, because it clearly does. Additionally, sexual immorality per Matthew 19 includes more than just adultery, and it also includes the idea of someone who engages in a pattern of adultery or sexual immorality as opposed to a single incident or failure.
(3) Abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15, Matthew 18:15-17, 1 Timothy 5:8)
Even though Paul specifically mentions abandonment by an unbeliever I believe that Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 5:8 would allow a believer to divorce even if they were abandoned by a spouse who claimed to be a "believer." These passages tell us that, even though someone claims to be believers, if they insist on acting like an unbeliever then we can treat them that way. I think Paul limited his comments in 1 Cor. 7 to unbelievers in large part because he couldn't conceive of a true believer ever abandoning their family.
(4) Abuse or Neglect (1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, Exodus 21:10:11)
Although the Bible does not specifically address divorce in cases of abuse or neglect it does provide clear instructions and commands for husbands and wives to love and care for one another. In fact, according to Exodus 21:10-11 under the Old Covenant a wife could divorce her husband if he failed to provide adequate food, clothing, or even physical intimacy for her. I realize that I am in the minority here - but if God cares enough about someone to allow them to divorce if they do not receive enough food then surely he would allow it if someone was truly abused or neglected in other ways. Some have concluded that since Jesus didn't talk about abuse and divorce directly it can't be an acceptable or legitimate cause to end a marriage. However, Jesus didn't talk about abandonment either yet Paul made it clear that it was a legitimate cause to end a marriage. It appears that divorce in abuse and neglect cases was an acceptable practice in Jesus' day based on what is known of Jewish culture (again see Ex. 21:10-11). I tend to agree with those who have suggested that perhaps Jesus never talked about it, was never challenged on it, and the Bible never addresses it so directly because he didn't take exception to it. I also tend to think that many will not accept this as a legitimate cause for divorce because it can be such a subjective issue and is ripe for abuse. However, the fact that people may take advantage of God's grace is not new and is not reason enough to hold to such a position. In any case you will have to make up your own mind.
I hope this helps to clarify some of the confusion behind divorce. If you have a question feel free to e-mail me or just post a comment here on the blog and I'll respond.
God Bless
Pastor Mark
Mark Carrara
5 Comments
Reader Comments (5)
What if the spouse provides basic needs such as food, shelter and intimacy as you described, does not hit, but is verbally abusive, isolates their partner from family and friends and instills fear in their partner. Do you think it's neglect? Don't worry, I'm not in an abusive relationship and I'm not asking for permission to divorce. I ask because I recently read something by RBC Ministries entitled "God's protection of Women" and it talked about how God's original intent of the law was for the well being of his people. That He cares more about the people than the law. An analogy of the Sabbath was used. Example: If a horse was injured on the sabbath you would rescue it. You would not leave it injured or hurting just because the law said to rest. What is your opinion?
If you have committed sexual immorality and got a divorce. Will God forgive you?
Let me address the second comment first - "If you have committed sexual immorality and got a divorce. Will God forgive you?" The answer is, "Yes, you can absolutely be forgiven and restored."
1 John 1:9 tells us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
In other words, if we sin and come to recognize that sin we can ask God for forgiveness. If we are sincere the Bible promises us that God will forgive us.
I would also suggest you read Psalm 51. It is King David's request for forgiveness after he had committed adultery (sexual immorality) and murder. There is no doubt here that David was sincere and we know from the remainder of David's life that he did experience God's forgiveness and God's favor again.
OK - now the more difficult question pertaining to verbal abuse and intimidation. I agree with RBC's assessment of the law. The law was given to help us understand sin, but also to be a blessing to us by providing protection, justice, and boundaries. Your Sabbath example is a good one. Jesus understood this very clearly. In Mark 2:27 Jesus commented, "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath."
In fact, the entire patriarchal system in the Old Testament was intended to be a covering and a blessing to women. It's really the servant leader principle. Whoever wants to be the greater must first learn to be a servant - the least. A husband should be a blessing to his wife, not a curse.
So what do you do in a situation like you described? That's difficult to give a short answer to since every situation is different. But let me try to give some thoughts. Generally I would probably meet with someone several times to talk through this - but here goes...
(1) The law of love is always the highest law. No marriage is perfect and everyone has flaws. The law of love would look past imperfections in a spouse and strive to make the best of the relationship.
(2) God doesn't lead us into marriage with the promise of making us "happy." He leads us into marriage with the intent of completing us - making us more like Jesus. Sometime that refining comes through the furnace of "suffering" in a bad marriage. Consider Hosea and his unfaithful wife Gomer in the OT.
(3) If the nature of the "abuse" puts the spouse or children in real danger then I believe the Bible clearly gives permission to leave the immediate circumstances, seek help and try for reconciliation. If reconciliation fails then divorce may be an option.
(4) If the nature of the "abuse" does not put the spouse or children in any danger but just makes for a miserable relationship you really must be cautious here. You must move very, very slowly. God allows for divorce because he cares about the victim in a bad marriage. But I think the idea is that there is real or substantial abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are abuse but they don't typically place someone in real or immediate danger. Typically they just make our home life a very unhappy or trying one. With help and time most people can develop appropriate ways to deal with this without resorting to divorce. However, there may be times when you have to do more.
You can ask yourself a few questions.
(1) Have we tried counseling together to resolve this?
(2) Even if my spouse will not go for counseling have I sought counseling on my own to better deal with this and minimize the stress, etc. to me?
(3) Is the "abuse" so extreme that it is now having real adverse effects on my mental or physical condition (a doctors opinion is best here)?
(4) Have I been counseled (by a licensed counselor) that my spouses activities are likely to escalate into physical abuse?
(5) Have I sought out spiritual guidance that leads me to believe that I really do have biblical grounds to end this marriage?
(6) Am I conflicted over leaving or does my conscious fully support my decision? If I'm conflicted maybe it's not time to seek divorce.
(7) Have I done everything I reasonably can to make this marriage work?
(8) As difficult as this marriage is have I thought about how hard it will be to be alone?
The bottom line is that God hates divorce. He allows it because he cares about people - but it should only be a last option. Every believer has the Holy Spirit within them who is capable of preparing and equipping us to do incredible things we could never do on our own. That includes staying in a marriage and loving someone who treats us poorly and doesn't appreciate us. I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me! Christian martyrs have suffered fates far worse than bad marriages over the centuries and have endured because they learned how to tap into the power of Christ's Spirit within them. Divorce may be an option in abuse cases, but we must be careful not to move there too quickly or without adequate guidance, direction and support.
I hope this helps.
It was enlightening to hear your opinion knowing that many people turn their backs on any abuse that's not physical because of the lack of physical danger. With scars invisible to the human eye, it's hard to truly recognize it as valid from anyone's point of view. That is of course, unless you're the person being abused. With most abusers being great liars, manipulators, controlling, careful, deceitful and unwilling to accept responsibilty for their own actions it makes for a hard case to prove. I'm sure there's a lot of shame in admitting that you're the abused. I guess that's where the Holy Spirit comes in huh? For direction and healing. It's sad to think that you could be sitting next to an abused person, or having lunch with one, or worshipping with one and yet never know because instead of talking about it, they hide it so well, esteeming their partner becuase it's the Christian thing to do.
IN MY OPINION, abuse is not determined by the bruises visible to the human eye, but by the invisible ones that only God can see because only He has the authority over our lives to say whether or not he will allow us to divorce. Again in my opinion, if a person does as you say by seeking Godly counsel and if God ultimately allows a divorce, that person will have a peace about the decision beyond anyone's understanding.
I pray that God will bring restoration and healing to those marriages that are hurting, protection to those being abused in any way, forgiveness and freedom to those that have already pursued separation &/or divorce and for a more intimate relationship with God for each family member involved in that type of atmosphere.